A Reflection on True Love: Seeing the Other as They Are

How often do we say we love someone, yet secretly wish they were just a little bit more… like us? We want them to share our hobbies, our opinions, our life goals. We see their potential and, with the best intentions, try to “help” them reach it—often a version we’ve designed for them.

 

This profound quote by Thomas Merton, the Trappist monk and spiritual writer, has always stopped me in my tracks. It challenges the very foundation of how we love:

 

Let that sink in for a moment.

 

Merton isn’t talking about a passive love. He calls it a “will,” a “resolution.” This means true love is an active, daily choice. It’s a conscious decision to step back, to release our grip, and to create a space where the other person can exist authentically, without the pressure to conform to our expectations.

It’s about loving them—their unique spirit, their quirks, their dreams (even if they differ from our own), and their journey—not just the parts of them that mirror us or make us feel comfortable.

 

This applies to all our relationships:

romantic Partners: Loving them for who they are today, not the “fixed” or “improved” version you hope they’ll become.

Children: Nurturing their unique talents and passions, even if they aren’t the ones we would have chosen for them.

Friends & Family: Supporting their choices and paths without imposing our own blueprint for happiness.

 

When we love only someone’s “potential likeness to ourselves,” we turn them into a mirror. We are, in the end, just admiring our own reflection. That isn’t love for the other person; it’s a form of self-love.

 

So perhaps let’s ask – of others and of ourselves:

Am I loving this person for who they truly are, or for who I want them to be?

Am I creating a space where they can be perfectly, authentically themselves?

It’s perhaps the hardest and most beautiful work of love.